Morning the Child I lost
I’ve often thought of my family I would have. I would joke with fellow cops about what obstacle course I’d send potential dates through and such. Even after Haven was born I’d be often think of the person she would become.
Even if we don’t mean to as parents we immediately project dreams and expectations on our children. We had waited so long for her, these dreams and expectations were very well crafted.
None of those plans included Autism which threw a giant monkey wrench into my future plans. After diagnosis, I found myself seeing older children of friends and thinking I’ll never have that. I started to dwell on what I thought my child’s limits would be.
I would hear or see someone on Facebook post about their kid going to prom, getting their license and doing normal milestones and think that would be nice.
One day I read a family members Facebook post about how their kid told their first lie. I stared at it for a minute. I thought I would love for my kid to lie to me. I’d love for her to say anything. I’d love for her to acknowledge me again. I never shared my thoughts with anyone. I have never written those down till now. Remember I’m the big strong guy, right?
Around this time I started to notice when Haven was in her own little world. I didn’t understand this world but I wanted to know what she saw. I was way too focused on her limitations at this point to see the amazing abilities she had at the time. This was a rough time for me. My favorite part of my day used to be coming home and seeing her excited to see me. I wasn’t getting that anymore. I would come home and wouldn’t exist to her.
Play 2 Learn
Around this time we started a program called Play 2 Learn. It was a floor time class. It was every Friday morning for a few months. We would play with our kids and then drop them off and we would receive instruction on how to interact better with our children. There were a few other parents in there.
They would record us playing with our kids and tell us how we can connect better. It was a class to teach us to enter into her world. It was the first thing we did that didn’t think we already knew all about it. I took this class more serious than any class I have ever taken. It was teaching me to just play with my kid. Don’t try to teach her anything. Just play and show her you wanted to be in her world.
I took the homework very serious as well. I started doing my floor time sessions with my kid more than they recommended. I did that because I saw a change. Mostly in myself and some in my kid.
The first class taught me about being “with my kid”. No distractions, no phone, tv or anything. Just be with her while she plays. Haven didn’t seem like she noticed me at first. Usually after a few minutes of this I would give up. This time I was patient.
A couple minutes later she started handing me toys. I started to parallel play with her. Not much more happened but she let me play with her and around her.
I learned so much from this class. Don’t ask questions why you play. Just play. I was only supposed to test these classes three time a week. I started to play with my kid every day when I got home.
It was the highlight of my day and I almost, almost because one the big tough guy remember, cried one day when I was greeted by Haven when I entered the door. She was excited to see me again. She knew I wanted to be a part of her world and she started to soak up every moment.
Change of thought
I started to connect more and more with my little Haven. I started to notice all her strengths and areas where she was far more advanced than her peers at her age.
I realized she had SUPER POWERS.
I stopped seeing her Autism as a syndrome that ruined our family and started viewing it as her super power. I started celebrating her differences. She was my super girl and she allowed me to be her side kick now and again. I was Autism Dad whose only power was having an amazing little girl.
I would take her to the park by our place and I would notice her play skills were way above her peers. Her patience was too. I know that sounds weird to say my Autistic child is super patient but she was. She climbed better and had more fun than her peers. I got to a point to where I was felt sorry for parents of neurotypical children.
She had a sense of wonder and excitement about everything. I wish I could bottle it and sell it. I’d make millions. I have a little superhero and I wouldn’t change her.
The only thing that changed in this space and time was my attitude and my attention. My kid is very aware when people are not interested in what she is doing. She doesn’t care if you are interested but if you are not she will move on without you. You would be the one missing out. I missed out for a while and still do from time to time.